The MINDIE Method

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual psychotherapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett Psychotherapy practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com 

Dear Mindie, 

My boyfriend and I are on the outs over the process of buying an engagement ring. We are at the point in our relationship, where we are both ready to take the next step but are both really clueless about how to properly go through the process of getting engaged. He knows very little about diamonds and how to pick one out and I know even less about what I may want in a ring regarding styles, diamond shapes and generally everything. I wanted to go shopping with him, but he is apparently more traditional than I thought and he wants to do the shopping without me. I just want to make sure I’m getting a ring I will like. After all, it will be mine to wear for a long time!

I guess I’m just frustrated that this is supposed to be an exciting time and instead we are spending it arguing. We just don’t see eye-to-eye. Is our relationship doomed? Any insight you can share would be greatly appreciated. 

Sincerely,
Endangered Engagement

Dear Endangered Engagement,
I do not think your relationship is doomed. I do believe, however, this is a great exercise to get to know each other; how you both handle conflict, how you express your thoughts and feelings and extremely important, how you make up. I would use this situation (which I presume is one of your first real areas of friction) to learn and grow both individually and as a couple. Also: be mindful about how he speaks to you and you to him, when sharing your feelings of disagreement and dismay. How you address each other and express your thoughts is crucial. While you both should be able to freely share each other’s position, it should be done in a way that’s not pointing blame, spoken with disrespect and not in a hurtful manner. This is very important as it will most likely set the tone for how each of you handle conflict later, as well.

Regarding your ring issue, specifically, there is no right or wrong way to peruse purchasing an engagement ring. Some couples make the experience a shared one, while others handle individually (either the buyer doing all the legwork or the recipient doing the homework and relaying to the suitor what they like). The process is individual and personal.

If your boyfriend is traditional, he may feel that it’s important he take the lead and responsibilities associated with buying such an important piece of jewelry. He may also be sensitive to what his budget is and not wish to have you involved in that part of the process. My advice to you is to go your own way regarding the ring shopping. You should educate yourself regarding style, taste, cut and shape of the diamond that you like best. Then, casually share your dicoveries with him so he has a starting point, but allow him the space and grace to take it from there. You’ll likely then receive the ring of your dreams, but he will also be able to maintain a necessary sense of pride and role play. You’ll have plenty of time to then jointly peruse and purchase wedding rings, which are equally important and ideally will last a lifetime, as well!

Happy soon-to-be engagement!

Mindi